Hanah with a Single 'n'.

The little, big things.

My very rational side is sitting in a comfortable beige, beanbag in the corner where I sent her. A little bit of time-out for that one.

She’s comfortable over there, cross-legged in her pink unicorn onesie she was gifted by romantic me. She’s journaling something while smiling. I think she knows we are happy and I can’t wait to read that later. I bet she’s writing a love letter to me while I daydream over here.

This is the romantic side to me. The one that likes love letters and calls past lovers “lovers.” The side that used to be hopeless. Then I realized that this is not the 1800s that I imagine in my beautiful moments of daydreaming about love.

So back to the present and a bit of grounded daydreaming. I am ready for the little, big things.

Dating has been scary. It still is, but right now I am less scared. I am hoping a son of Abraham won’t show me dust. Again. This is a hopeful piece for the hopeful romantic that I am now.

One of the letters¹ I have has a line that says, “Never for a moment forget that not unlike this letter, my heart, which is meant for one, has your name etched on it: ‘Hanah’ – with a single ‘n’.”

God!! I have cried because of these words and others like this. I am a bit teary right now but I am also smiling because I am happy to have experienced love like this and I know I will again. The love I have read about in the hundreds of novels and love poems I have read…I have lived it. I have loved. And right now, I am ready to love again. Deeply. Healthily. Happily.

The love I am ready for is much like the one I have within me right now. She is patient, she is kind. She does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. She does not dishonor others, she is not self-seeking, she is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. My love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. She always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. My love never fails. Big, bold words. All of them she holds herself accountable to.

She sits with herself, in all moments and pauses to take it all in. She soaks up the joy and glows from within. You can feel her walk into rooms with such kindness. You can see it in her eyes and smile. She celebrates, claps and honors wins. Hers and others alike. She offers kindness in her anger. She knows when she’s crossed lines and offers honest apologies. She keeps almost no records of wrongs, mostly because she’s forgetful. She is honest and wants light and right for her heart. She fights for herself because she believes in herself. She always trusts that her love is healing. Heartfelt. Warm. She hopes. God!! She hopes that it is a love that will be honored as she honors herself. She never fails. She shows up. Loudly. Quietly. Struggling. Thriving. But always. She shows up. She doesn’t give up. She knows it’s worth it. Life. Love. It’s worth it. It’s such a gift.

When she reads lines like “My dearest Hanah, my Hanah. I hope it’s not overbearing of me to call you mine, for all that I want – all that I need notwithstanding, is for you to be mine,” she smiles.

She knows she’ll experience this again. She is ready for it. I am ready for it. Hanah is ready for it. It’ll not just be “Hanah, do this for me,” it’ll also be “Hanah, do this with me.”

The little, big things.

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With love, always — and death, the once.

~Muthoni♡

1. I had so many opposing thoughts within as I wrote this piece. Will the person I fall in love with be threatened by the experiences I have had? Will they be okay with the love stories I have been a part of ? Will they ask me to throw away letters I have from lovers before?

Then I realized that was a fear I should get over… The person I fall in love with, will fall in love with me as I am. I am secure in the love I will give and God knows that I have been praying for that from them too.